Does it Matter
by YaoiAnimeHunter
Summary: KHR Prompt: Gokudera is pansexual(At least he thinks he is)… although he doesn't like females sexually, he is also irrefutably male... Although he doesn't mind wearing boot heels. Also he is pretty sure he has a crush on Tsuna, the problem is he has no sexual urge towards the said male. Yes, he is absolutely confused.


**Well I have an exam tomorrow morning and I still haven't read, but oh who cares, I'll be fine… at least I hope so. Gave myself a prompt and decided to write a fic about self-realization mostly when it comes to gender identity and sexuality crisis. Funny thing is that it was supposed to be an Eruri fic.**

 **KHR Prompt:** Gokudera is pansexual (At least he thinks he is)… although he doesn't like females sexually, he is also irrefutably male... Although he doesn't mind wearing boot heels. Also he is pretty sure he has a crush on Tsuna, the problem is he has no sexual urge towards the said male. Yes, he is absolutely confused.

-0-

There were times Gokudera regretted running away from home at the age of eight with no money, spare clothes or any plan whatsoever, his rash action had forced him to grow up faster than most kids, it also caused an array of sudden self-realization he didn't exactly want.

It had been a weeks since he got a client asking him to take care of some unwanted pest, his food rations were at an all-time low, his secret stash was empty save of his emergency $10, he was hungry, thirsty and so desperate for some cash he would do anything. Madam Black as they called her was a woman who had many kids his age working under her, her kids did everything from pickpocketing, "modelling", to assassination.

She had taken one look at his starving face and told him she had a modelling job for him, he didn't need to ask what it meant as he had seen some kids 'model' before, of course modelling was code for stripper + escort –sex. In his book, it was safe, besides beggars couldn't be choosers and he needed money. He regretted it as soon as he agreed, not because of the perverted, potbellied males he would have to act all shy and coy with, nor Madam's incessant yapping about relaxing and trying to look like he was enjoying it as much as they did, heck it wasn't even the ridiculous costume, but because of the fact that he didn't mind the costume.

 _At the age of twelve he wore a white short dress with boot heels and it didn't feel wrong or uncomfortable, he felt the same as when he wore his normal clothes. He began questioning his gender and if it was right for boys to like dresses and boot heels._

Being a freelance hitman was not as cool as people made it out to be, there were times one had to abandon your pride to survive, there were times you had to keep your mouth shut while your client practically eye rapes and emasculates you, because he knows you are young, foolish, broke and desperate. He was smart enough to save his money, but jobs came far apart and sometimes even savings got exhausted no matter how much you budgeted and how little you spent.

He had gotten one of those sleazy clients thanks to Madam Black, this time he had to dress up in a school girls costume and yes this time he was absolutely uncomfortable, he very much doubted that school girls wore skirts so short it barely covered his ass, and he was sure they didn't wear thigh high fishnet stockings to school, the only good thing about the outfit was the form-fitting blazer and the ankle length boots with low heels. The client wasn't one of those gross old men but a really fucking good-looking man who was probably in his late twenties, the gig was different from most modelling jobs as the role play was quite different.

 _At thirteen he realized that he didn't mind female clothes as they didn't mean he was any less of a man if the client wanted a girl he would have asked for one wouldn't he? He most definitely didn't like skirts, he also did NOT like being called 'a naughty girl'. The blow from that realization wasn't so hard and it was one he could deal with at least that settled his gender crisis thingy._

He would never forget how he lost his virginity. Rita was sixteen, with perfect long blonde hair, with blue eyes that shone with mischief, she was absolutely gorgeous. She was about to leave Madam Black to become an independent hitman, something he was proud of her for. The day before she planned to leave they had talked, she was one of the few people he could talk to about intellectual stuff, as she was witty and smart as hell. Somehow their conversation has taken a turn and they were discussing their worst and best sexual experiences, he had begrudgingly admitted that he was still a virgin, she asked for a few minutes after which she returned with a magazine, two small square golden wrappers that definitely contained a condom, as well as a bottle of cheap rum. Despite both of them drinking more than half the bottle, everything was so vivid, he could remember fondling her boobs and pinching her nipples as she told him to do, he could also remember the awkward yet satisfying kiss they shared, he most definitely remember her playing with his dick, he could remember it as vividly as though it happened the day before, the penetration was clumsy and awkward, yet the feeling was somewhat priceless... not enjoyable or comfortable but priceless, he came not too long after the penetration but despite the embarrassment he couldn't help but feel proud and grown up, he had an epiphany afterwards.

 _At thirteen he had sex with a lady for the first time, it was awkward, clumsily and confusing and he really isn't sure he every want to have sex with a lady ever again, despite that he didn't think he was very opposed to it, given certain situation he might try it again, but he doubted he would enjoy it._

Kissing a guy was the most intense, frustrating and confusing thing he had every felt, Luche was a nice and very good looking guy, he came from a decent family which made Gokudera wonder why he would be interested in someone like him, they went on dates and Luche didn't even seem to mind his rambling about explosives, mystical creatures and what not, he was surprised when Gokudera admitted to not being opposed to wearing female clothes apart from skirts. Their first date was to an amusement park, the second was to the movies and the third was to a nice café down town. Gokudera really liked Luche, he liked kissing him and there were times when he felt strange and would think about doing more than just kissing, he knew the mechanics of gay sex, growing up with Madam Black models was a very 'informative'. Never the less, he wanted to do more than just kissing Luche, he had dreams about Luche touching him and him making ridiculously embarrassing noises, dreams that made him wake up with soiled pajamas bottoms.

 _At thirteen he had his first boyfriend and he realized he was attracted to males both romantically and sexually._

Moving to japan was not something he had planned, but getting a job from the Vongola Nono himself wasn't something most hitmen could brag about, besides the job covered his schooling, apartment as well as provided him with a more than decent monthly allowance. He had thought his self-discovery ended in Italy but he was sorely mistaken when he landed at Namimori.

Meeting Tsuna was life changing thing, he had never met someone so gentle and kind, someone who didn't mind the fact that he was different from most of the people he knew, someone who was understanding and non-judgmental, someone who wanted to help anyone in anyway he could. Gokudera swore his loyalty to him, somehow his heart followed.

 _At fourteen he realized that he had a crush on Tsuna, he wanted to kiss him, hold hands and go on dates, but it was different from what he felt with Luche. He realized that he liked Tsuna romantically but not sexually. The realization came with several books from the library about sexual orientation. He still didn't know who he was, but he is strangely okay with it._

Teenagers had his idea of what you should be, who you should like and what not, they spent ridiculous amount of time thinking about the opposite sex, in a way Gokudera could understand but that didn't mean he didn't find it pointless, after all it really didn't matter who you liked or what gender they were. Growing up in the underground, one sometimes did not get the chance to choose his/her partners and besides both genders were pretty much the same is you really looked at it.

However not everyone shared his sentiments and he found himself second-guessing all his beliefs when most of the guys in his class kept talking about girls and boobs, all the conversation did was bring up memories of a smiling blonde with blue eyes laughing at him gently while telling him that all first times sucked, the flashback was embarrassing but not completely unwanted. Listening to Tsuna go on and on about a classmate of theirs –Kyoko. The same girl who happened to be the stupid boxer's sister, the same girl he really couldn't find anything special about, sure she was cute but not as good looking as Rita, she was smart but not as smart as the stupid woman (Haru). She had a nice smile, but he really couldn't point out any distinctive attribute she had nor could he see himself dating her, he thought about other girls trying to see if he thought the same about them. Weighing their strong points and their flaws, He tried to think of any girl he wouldn't mind dating and really the realization was absolutely confusing and startling.

He knew when a girl was cute or beautiful, he knew how to treat a girl on a date and he wouldn't mind taking a girl on a date and he might even give her a peck on the cheek or forehead at the end of the day, but that was as far as he could go. He had forgotten he was in Tsuna's room with Tsuna and Yamamoto when he blurted out "I don't see what is so special about girls, I don't really care about the gender of who I date but I really can't see myself doing anything other than just kissing a girl and even that would be limited"

 _At fourteen he realizes that he didn't mind dating girls, but he really didn't see himself sexually attracted to them._

At fifteen, in his final year at Nami Chuu, he laid his head on his boyfriend's laps while the raven haired teen closed his eye taking his usual afternoon nap, he tries to put together all he knew about his sexuality and gender, and he still doesn't understand it. He knows he is a guy even though he doesn't mind the occasional boot heels or wedges or those leggings that make his rear look absolutely amazing. He knows he still has a teeny tiny crush on Tsuna, but the thought of doing anything sexual with the Tenth makes him uncomfortable… not that he would cheat on his boyfriend or anything like that, he knows that he doesn't mind dating ladies, he just has no desire or urge to do anything sexual to them, frankly the thought of a half-naked lady gives him the creeps. He also knows his boyfriend makes his heart beat really loudly just by standing next to him or holding his hand, he knows that he turns red whenever his boyfriend calls him by his given name, he also knows that every time they kiss, his knees go weak, he can barely breathe, stand or think straight and he absolutely loves that feeling. He also knows that even though they haven't gotten that far, he is most definitely sexually attracted to his boyfriend if his dreams and soiled bed sheets are anything to go by.

He is pulled away from his thoughts by a gentle hand brushing away the strands of silver hair from his face and tucking it behind his ear.

"Stop thinking too much Hayato." There it was again, that voice that made his heart beat so hard he was sure the other boy could hear it, he knew his face was beet red and his ears felt warm. Hibari had so much effect on him.

"I know Kyoya."


End file.
